What I Wish I Would Have Said

I was standing in line at Target and heard this behind me:

"Hey mom, can I have Starbucks when we're done?"

"No, honey, those things have like a thousand calories!"

And then my heart broke into a million pieces.

The girl was probably 8, maybe 10. I do not think the mom was intentionally malicious, but I also do not think she had any idea how much weight her words carried. With one short phrase a young girl desiring a tasty drink suddenly learned that her desire is bad because of something called "calories" and that "calories" are clearly not good and are to be avoided; otherwise, why would her mother have so vehemently denied her request based on calories alone?

I have been thinking about that interaction a million times over and what I wish I would have said. If I could go back and speak to them, maybe my words could have made an impact. Maybe I could have changed the course for both of them. Or not. But my heart longed to speak truth and life, so I am speaking it now.

To the girl:

"Do you like Starbucks? I know I do! What's your favorite? Mine is the Peppermint Mocha Latte they make during the holiday season. I tend to get a lot of those. Yum!

So, I heard what your mom said about Starbucks and calories. It's true, ya know. Those drinks have calories in them, but guess what? ALL food has calories and that's a good thing because calories are what give us energy and keep our bodies alive. I don't exactly know why your mom doesn't want you to have a drink because of the calories, but I can tell you that whatever her reason is it's about her and not you. Some people have learned to become afraid of calories, but goodness I hope you don't. I hope you learn to enjoy your food and eat a variety - everything from Starbucks drinks to fruits and veggies to juicy hamburgers.

I am guessing this is not the first time your mom has said something like this about food and I am guessing it will not be the last. So here is what I hope: I hope you remember that your mom's issues with food and her body are hers and not yours. It is not your burden to carry. So if she decides she doesn't want a Starbucks drink because of the calories, then so be it, but maybe sometime I'll get the chance to buy you your favorite drink because, man, those are good!"

To the mom:

"I don't know what your story is but I am sure if you were to share it with me somewhere along the way we would discover when you learned to become afraid of calories, which probably has something to do with a fear of weight gain. And if we were to dig deeper into your story I am willing to bet we would discover that the fear is probably not really about the calories or the weight but something much deeper. Something that is filled with shame. Am I close? I am so sorry for the ways you have been harmed and for the shame you carry. I hope one day you find freedom from it.

I know you probably love your daughter fiercely and you want nothing but the best for her. I am sure the thought of her hurting the way you hurt and being ashamed the way you carry shame is terrifying to you. And I am sure you would do anything in your power to protect her.

I do not know if you are aware of how harmful the words you spoke may have been, but I fear they could have been very harmful. I am sure somewhere inside a part of you was just trying to protect her from whatever harm you believe calories can have, but I am asking you to be mindful of not placing your fears onto your beautiful daughter. They are yours and not hers.

I know what you are probably thinking: "But she has to learn! I don't want her to go through what I have gone through!"

Neither do I. But I am willing to bet that obsessing over calories and weight gain has not helped you fully escape your hurt and shame. In fact, in a lot of ways it has probably made your life more miserable, magnifying the hurt and shame in ways you cannot quite comprehend. Or if it hasn't yet, I can almost guarantee that misery will come if you continue to remain enslaved to a calorie count.

Can I make a suggestion? Perhaps suggest what your daughter really needs to learn from you?

I beleive what your daughter needs is to learn to listen to her body and to eat food that nourishes it and tastes good. Your daughter needs to learn how to enjoy a variety of foods and eat in moderation and balance. Your daughter needs to learn to listen to her body and eat when she is hungry and stop when she is full. Your daughter needs to learn to move her body in the way it desires to move and to rest when her body is tired. Your daughter needs to learn that, if she takes care of her body and gives it what it needs when it needs it, her weight and shape will be exactly the way it needs to be - perfect.

And I am guessing you may need to learn this, too. There's a lot more freedom in living a life attuned to your body than to calories."