Life on Repeat

Here you are again. Same story. Again.

How did it happen? You were sure this relationship was different than the last one. You never thought you would break one addiction only to find yourself battling another one.. You do not understand how you can constantly switch environments only to find yourself depressed and overwhelmed every time. What is happening?

The fancy therapeutic term is "re-enactment" -- replaying and acting out a similar series of events over and over, leading to the same feelings and the same results.

It's maddening.

We all do it, whether it's re-enacting a trauma, relationship, behavioral pattern, or emotional state. We say we want out, that we want it to stop, but we just keep doing it over and over again.

Why?

Researchers provide several reasons as to why we re-enact; for example, we may have a compulsion to master our experiences and "do it right this time," or we may lack the skills to make different decisions. These reasons are valid and often times true. But what if there is more to it?

Beginning at birth, our tiny little identities began to form. We looked to those around us and our experiences to tell us who we are and how we fit in to the world. And at some point shame invaded our identities. In a dark moment, we believed a lie about ourselves and our experiences and we became caught in the deep dark web of shame.

Now, instead of interacting with the world in the manner in which we were designed, we interact with the world with our shame-based identity leading the way - influencing our decisions, our behaviors, and our emotions. Look at any negative cycle and pattern in your life and at the core I am willing to bet you will find your shame.

Do you believe you are unworthy of love and affection? You may find yourself in a cycle of failed relationships. Do you believe you are too emotional and too much for others? You may find yourself in repeated chaotic experiences. Do you believe you are a failure? You may find yourself unable to complete anything you set out to accomplish. Do you believe yourself to be an object to be used? You may find yourself repeatedly in relationships with abusers. Or perhaps it works slightly different for you. Do you believe if somebody saw your shame you would be rejected? You may find yourself avoiding relationships all together or perhaps hiding behind lies and deceit.

However we consciously or subconsciously figure out how to do it, we work hard to hide our shame and, in the process, end up "on repeat" where we find ourselves confirming our identity, confirming our shame, and unable to change.

Why is it so hard to change?

As strange as it may sound, it is easier for us to believe we are unlovable, unwanted, dirty, ugly, shameful... because we have the evidence. We hold onto the evidence. And we act based on the evidence, careful to avoid change.

Change means risk. Change means a chance of failure. Change means we have to dare to believe that we are not our shame.

So if we want out, if we want the cycles to stop, somewhere along the line we have to confront our shame, heal our shame, and revise our identity so that ultimately the maddening repetition can stop.

We are not our shame. You are not your shame. And that quiet voice that whispers that you are?

It's lying.