What I Wish Women Would Stop Doing

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I'm ok. I have been feeling off lately. I haven't been able to get to the gym and I'm eating too many carbs. I really need to get back on track.

...

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I'm doing well. I started this new juice cleanse a couple of days ago and it's really been making a difference for me.

...

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: Not great. I've been eating too much ice cream and I am really struggling to eat healthy like I know I should.

...

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I'm great! I lost XX lbs in the past month. I feel amazing!

Is it just me or is anybody else frustrated by these conversations? A genuine "how are you?" met with an answer that has little to nothing to do with how she is doing and everything to do with food and her body. I asked a question meant to understand how this woman is doing on a genuine, authentic heart level and suddenly I am asked to engage in a conversation about weight loss and juice cleasnses. How did that happen?

Does what we eat or how much or little we move our bodies impact our well being physically, mentally, and emotionally? Yes. But I think the truth is for most women our answers to "how are you?" with a food/body related answer is simply a projection of our underlying emotions onto the external. It happens all the time, whether it is in my office with a client or talking with a friend, I watch women avoid engaging with their heart and instead divert focus onto their bodies. The "real answer" is avoided with a superificial answer because the real answer is too scary and vulnerable to talk about or, perhaps, is not even known.

I do believe at some point, in our society's tragic history with women, food, and body image, the focus on the external became so extreme that now many women genuinely struggle to note the difference between emotions and their bodies. "I feel fat" has become an acceptable response and understood feeling state in our society when "fat" is not even an emotion. You might feel ashamed or insecure, but you do not feel fat; instead, your inner shame and insecurities are being projected onto your body and now you are hyper-aware of the way your pants are fitting today.

So let's try that first conversation again:

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I'm ok, but I have been feeling off lately. I don't know what it is exactly, but I just don't feel like myself and I wish I could figure out what is going on.

OR

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I'm not doing all that well. I have been feeling really depressed. It's been hard for me to feel motivated to do anything.

What about the second conversation?

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: Really good! I've been feeling really proud of myself and the way I am meeting my goals.

OR

Me: Hi! How are you?

Woman: I've been feeling a lot of shame recently. I hate feeling this way and I wish I could make it stop.

Night and day difference, right?

As a woman, speaking to women, I implore you to stop answering the question "how are you?" with a food and/or body related answer and instead engage your heart. I invite you to notice the next time you respond with an answer including your food intake, weight loss or body shape and consider what those things reflect about your heart and underlying emotions.

Somehow as a sisterhood of women we can ban together in outrage against the media's objectification of women and our bodies, but in our own sister to sister conversations we essentially do the same thing. We answer "how are you?" with a body related answer thus equating "you", the person, with the body. The very thing we say we hate having done to us we do to ourselves.

Will you stop? Will you stop doing it with me? Will you stop objectifying yourself, stop projecting your emotions onto your body, and instead engage your heart? Will you actually answer the question "how are you?" remembering that you are a person with a heart and soul?

Please stop.

And then start engaging in real life-giving conversation.