Mama, Stop Idolizing Yourself

I am a mother and a therapist. It can be a deadly combination. For me, at least.

I have so much education and training on relationships, attachment, the effect of early childhood experiences -- all the things. Which is a good thing. I am grateful I have the knowledge and I use it. But as a mother it has messed with my head. Because I know -- I know what makes for secure attachment; I know how early childhood experiences can effect my children long term; I know how to help them emotionally regulate. Technically, I know how to be the "perfect" mother to produce the perfect, well-adjusted, and healthy child (according to the research, at least).

Even if you're not a therapist, as a mother you are still inundated with information -- what to do, what not to do, what is healthy for your child, what will permanently damage your child (maybe that's a bit extreme, but then again, maybe not?).

So I don't know about you, but when my child experiences significant pain and suffering? Fear overcomes me. When I lose my temper with my children? Shame ensues. When I can't seem to use my education and knowledge to do this mother thing "perfectly"? Sheer panic. I so easily believe that if I don't do this mothering thing right my child will suffer and it will be all my fault.

And then one day this thought popped into my head: Rachel, you are not that great and powerful. And you are not the only person in their lives. So stop idolizing yourself.

Yikes.

Was that what I was doing? Was I idolizing myself? Was I elevating myself into a position and role I was not meant to fill? For me, the answer was -- YES. Yes, I was.

As a mother my role is undoubtedly important, significant, and highly influential. But I am not everything. I can't be everything. And I am not meant to be everything to my children.

The truth is, while my role in my children's lives is significant and I do have great impact, it's not all about me. They have a father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, mentors, friends, and as a Christian, most importantly, I believe they have Father God and a Savior, Jesus.

It's not all about me.

And mama -- it's not all about you either.

And this is a good thing.

You get to try your best. Read some books. Educate yourself on attachment. Get some therapy, if needed. Pray. All in an effort to raise your children in the healthiest way possible.

But it's not all about you. It's not all up to you. Your children will have other people in their lives, other experiences, other influences, so even if you somehow managed to be the "perfect mother" it's still not up to you alone how your child turns out. And that's a good thing. It's a freeing thing. Rather than crumbling under the weight of the pressure to be the perfect mother for our children, we can be free to do our best and love our kids.

Mamas, we can stop idolizing ourselves and let ourselves off the hook a little bit. Breathe a little bit. Rest a little bit. Because while we are incredibly influential in our children's lives, it's also not completely up to us how they turn out.

So go hug your babies, little or adult, and be free to love them well.