My Absurd Attempt at Perfectionism

I'm a recovering perfectionist. Actually, it turns out I am a recovering "thought she was already recovered" perfectionist.

See, growing up I was terrified to do anything wrong. I was terrified to be seen as anything less than a competent, smart, talented, perfectly perfect person. I was terrified anyone would see that I did not have it all together.

News flash: I didn't. And, of course, realistically speaking everybody else around me knew I wasn't perfect either, but I kept my self-delusional charade up for as long as I could.

And then a life-threatening eating disorder attacked in full force and all attempts to maintain a perfect facade were squashed. There was no hiding it -- I wasn't perfect. And everybody could SEE it now (or rather I just became painfully aware of the fact that everybody could see it now). All attempts to fool anybody into believing that I, Rachel, was perfect were pointless. I had to let the idea of being perfect go.

At the time, I truly believe I was doing my best to deal with my perfectionism and to learn healthier ways of living. And in many ways I did. I learned to face my messiness with less fear. I learned to be honest, real, and vulnerable with other people without shame. I learned that being imperfect could actually be beautiful and life-giving especially in light of the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

Then, years later, I felt the Lord start challenging me again to look at my perfectionistic tendencies.

But wait, God? I already dealt with this. I know I am not perfect. I am imperfect and I don't try to hide that anymore. What exactly do I need to look at?

And then it hit me -- I no longer strove to be perfect. I was now striving to be perfect at being imperfect.

Confused? Allow me to explain my foolish, largely unconscious, thinking with an example:

I now knew that in relationships I would not be perfect. I would make mistakes, hurt feelings, and need to apologize and seek forgiveness. I wouldn't be perfect, but I could be perfect at making things right. I could perfectly take responsibility for my actions. I could perfectly apologize. I could perfectly restore relationship and trust. (Or at least I naively and irrationally thought I could). I wouldn't be perfect in my relationships, but I could at least make the imperfections of the relationship look perfect somehow. Right?

Turns out I can't. I am a miserable failure at being perfectly imperfect in relationships.

Oh, and surprise, surprise: I am not able to achieve perfect imperfection in other areas of my life either. I guess I am just plain ol' imperfect.

Perhaps I am the only one who has gone down this path of absurdity? Although, actually, I am pretty confident I am not alone. We humans will do just about anything we can to cover our messiness and our shame in order to maintain some semblance of self-protection, even if that means trying to obtain something that doesn't even make rational sense (i.e. perfecting the act imperfection).

So, if I'm right. If there are others of you who also are striving to be perfectly imperfect, I'm here to lovingly tell you -- it doesn't work. It's not gonna happen.

You get to be plain ol' imperfect with me.

And it's going to be ok.

Because we humans are messy. We make mistakes. We find ourselves in chaos. We flounder and we fail. And then we stumble along as we try to make things better, we strive to be better. It's ALL just messy, every step of the way will be riddled with imperfections, and the sooner we can come to terms with that truth the sooner we can be free of the weight of perfectionism -- every sneaky form of it.

And I don't know about you, but I want to be done with perfectionism once and for all.