The Searing Pain of Hope

It hits me out of nowhere. And I am so thankful I chose to drive alone this morning -- no little girlies to distract me from the crushing waterfall desperate and demanding to rush down my face.

I pull over. Shaking. Weeping.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Hope. It hurts. Hope hurts. Hope is what hurts.

And I want it to stop. I want the hope to stop.

I don't want to hope. I don't want to imagine. I don't want to dream. I don't want any of it.

I have been down this seemingly deceptive road before -- the thinking, the imagining, the dreaming, the hoping. For it all to be cruelly ripped away in a soul crushing instant.

I don't want to do it again. I don't want to hurt again.

Remind me: How does one live in a world that comes alive and thrives on hopes and dreams? A world that exists and grows and is built on active dreams, vivid imagination, and hopes for the future? For there is no healing, there is no redemption, there is no growth, and there is no new without a hope, a vision and anticipation for what is to come and what may be. But again, how does one survive it? Because in this moment it is hope that threatens to destroy me.

Eventually, the tears run dry and my breathing slows. And I now have a choice: I can reject the hope and harden my heart once again. Or I can allow it to continue to pierce my heart, opening me to life.

It hurts. Hope hurts. But without it I remain numb and lifeless. Hope hurts, but it is what allows me to live. It is what allows me to live in color, with vibrancy, creativity, and intention.

It hurts me. But it also marks me. It is a sign and symbol -- I do not have to give up. I do not have to lay down. I can look through the pain and toward the hope and the future that is promised to me. And I can remain confident with hopeful expectation that one day I will lay ahold of it.

Hope does not have to be my enemy. It may hurt, but hope can also be my friend, my ally. The one that reminds me: this is not it, this is not the end. There is more coming. There is beauty and redemption and joy coming. It is promised to you. So, look to me, look to hope...

And so I look to my ally -- the searing pain of hope.